Little does she know the tears I hide. Those countless bottles I’ve tipped over. This sinking feeling of regret and grief at the same time. The smoke that’s filling up my lungs and the alcohol in my stomach. Little does she know about my nightmares every night. How insomnia became a welcoming disorder. Darkness became my closest friend and enemy. Silence – my only scream. She doesn’t know because I hide it. She doesn’t know because my smiles are rays of sunshine. I am a clown that’s always down and stuck in denial. That may be why I try to defend other’s laughters. Because I no longer know whether mine are true. However, despite this fact; little does she know, that I’d always be smiling despite everything else. I’d keep going with the facade until the storm stops and the hurricane goes away. This desert of loneliness is my tropical paradise. I’m always packed and ready for my next solitary adventure.