Coming to Terms

So… I met someone at a site very much like WordPress (I guess) and they commented on one of my chat threads. A fresh graduate, from the Philippines, 21 years old, in a relationship. It didn’t take long for us to hit off because we bonded over anime and especially Detective Conan at that! Talked some more in one chat application and there was where I learned more about her and her story. Hence… this. This is me coming to terms with it all and putting it into writing. This is me opening up and sharing.

Their blog: “Diary of a Long Distance Girlfriend”

Months back, a friend introduced me to a chat room site and I was immediately hooked. There is great power in anonymity. Where one can lie about who they are, role play, be crazy and flirt with strangers and just not be so… ‘honest’. After all, there is comfort behind the screen for some. But after a time, I was haunted by the same thing that brought me to WordPress in the first place. I have long since wanted to start my own blog but didn’t want to during those times until one guy — the guy who became my words made me want to pour it all out in poems and stories. Our story, is that of a girl and a boy who loved each other behind the cellphone screen. We loved each other through texts and late night calls, and IMs and social media. But nowhere in between was I able to feel the warmth of his embrace; nowhere in between the constant I love you’s was I able to see and hold his face and yet somehow I still held on. The sad part was…he didn’t. There was something about the chat room that reminded me of him. And the many many strangers I met (though most of them were decent at best) just reminded me of the past I was desperately trying to put far away behind. Ironically though, the person who talked me out of the shitty hellhole I got myself into is a friend I met online. And since then, I have been trying to be less dependent with my phone than I ever was. I still do have my Facebook, twitter, IG, and the many other social media apps but I’ve been busying myself with work, writing and/or reading to pass the time. I wish I could say I do not miss talking to people in that site. I wish I could say there are times when I feel so down I just want to dive right back in and talk to people of different places, flirt with them and be carefree – not care about consequences. I wish I could — for the life of me — just keep those sites and not want to open them every minute of every day because I think my life is dull and mundane. Spontaneity can only go so far. So long story short… I’ve cut myself from all of them… And lived my life on my own new set of terms.

Now I’m not saying people who are living online are not living their lives in any way at all, we all have different lives and we live each of ours differently. And I absolutely love the digital friendships I’ve forged all this time circumnavigating the ‘triple w’. The friendships and connections I’ve made here are ones I will always cherish and the memories are worth remembering. I just choose to live mine with people I can interact with on a daily basis. People I can actually throw a punch on. People who — don’t only have their words; but their necks, their arms, their body for me. I refuse to live a life staring at blinking cursors waiting for the green dot to arrive. Because I absolutely get the appeal of withdrawing and finding so much comfort and solace and security *sigh* and power *sigh* in online interactions. And I don’t want to get too hooked up again. And I wish I could tell you these words are mine but sadly, they’re not.

I want to tell you I’m not struggling. I honestly wish I can tell you that I am not jealous of  the lives of people I meet every day – digital or not. I wish I could say I do not sleep late at night wondering if I will have my chance someday. I honestly want to lie and tell you I’m fine. I want to be able to tell you I am okay that among all my friends, I’m the only one not in an intimate relationship. I honestly want to believe that I am fine with the idea that I will be going on dates on my own one of these days now because friends are dropping (Hahah) like flies (Just kidding) these days and can’t go out on a whim now because well… relationships. I am happy for my newfound friend; my friends; and every person I know of who are in a relationship – complicated or not.

I need to be.

I have to be.

I am in no hurry.

Who knows?

The world is huge anyway.

If love doesn’t come knocking, my pen is still at the ready.